


1977

by monogramsalarm (orphan_account)



Category: Tuck Everlasting - Miller/Tysen/Shear & Federle
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Gen, here comes some sadness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-27
Updated: 2017-04-11
Packaged: 2018-08-16 22:50:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 19,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8120659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/monogramsalarm
Summary: A normal person would have gotten help, but Miles was too far gone. The stress of over a century's worth of wars and heartbreak have left Miles a shell of his former self. When he stops answering his parents' phone calls and letters, his family begins to worry. His brother Jesse goes to check up on him, but finds Miles alone in the dark, surrounded by empty cans and bottles. Can his family help him recover from his alcoholism, or will Miles just be left alone, haunted by his memories?





	1. Chapter 1

Jesse didn’t think he had anything to worry about. He’d woken up in his small New York apartment to his phone ringing. Upon answering, he found out that his mother had tried calling him fourteen times before he actually answered. Her voice was frantic as she explained why she needed to reach him. The countless letters and phone calls to Miles had been ignored for the last five months. Miles was always good at responding to his parents, even if it was a short phone call or a half-page letter, so this was very unusual for him. He usually sent Mae and Angus a lengthy letter monthly, so they’d become very worried about him. But Jesse still wasn’t.

He didn’t think it was such a big deal. Miles went off the grid a lot! He was busy, he probably had a new job that he needed to spend time on. He would have told someone if something big had happened. It was going to be easy; drive to Miles’ apartment in Philadelphia, talk to him, try not to argue like they usually did, and leave before four in order to get back to NYC to meet his date.

Eventually, Jesse made it to Miles’ tiny apartment on the outskirts of Philly. Looking at his watch, he noticed that it was only 1:30 and a wave of relief washed over him. At that rate, he’d make it back home in plenty of time for his date. He knew it was kind of foolish to go out with women more than a century younger than him, but he wasn’t just going to sit around and feel sorry for himself because of the water. He didn’t want to end up like his brother. After pressing the buzzer to Miles’ apartment a few times, he began to grow bored.

"Miles? You in there, bro?” Jesse called into the intercom. Adjusting his cap to block out the midday sun, he leaned against the brick wall of the building. He really hoped Miles was home, since he didn’t want to have to sit around all day. If all else failed, he could just use the spare key that he knew Miles kept above his door frame. After a few more attempts, he pressed another buzzer to be let into the building. He opened the door and walked up the two flights of stairs, whistling absentmindedly. He couldn't hear anything in Miles' apartment and figured he was either out or taking a nap. He stood on his toes in order to reach the top of the door frame that Miles would have been able to reach easily. Finding the key, he grinned triumphantly and went to check on his brother, relieved that it wasn't going to take too much longer.

Miles was home, but he didn’t budge from his spot on the couch. Miles had been sitting in the darkness of his apartment for so long that he had lost count of the days or even weeks at this point. His nightmares had been getting to the point where he still heard the screams vividly during the day. Every person he’d ever seen fall, every cry of pain or fear stabbed into him like daggers. Miles found out soon enough that he couldn’t escape the nightmares even while being awake. The lines between dreaming and living had blurred to the point where his life was one long agonizing nightmare. They said that war was hell, but no one ever told him that it would continue into the rest of his life.

The last time he’d gotten up, it had been a week prior to get the basic staple foods and more alcohol. As he reached for the bottle of wine beside him, Miles saw that his hand was trembling violently, but thought nothing of it. It was old news by now. At this point in his miserable existence, the temporary numbness he could feel from alcohol was the only thing he could stand anymore. Nothing mattered; his life didn’t mean anything to anyone and no matter what he did, he couldn’t die. He could just stay like that for years.

The shrill ringing of his phone didn’t disturb him. It had gone off so many times that it was white noise. The cluttered state of his apartment had become just another part of his existence. The drawn curtains, the empty discarded bottles and cans all around him, the dozens of letters that had built up by his front door, they all had no effect on him. He didn’t know that miles away, his family was desperately trying to reach out to him. He couldn’t care less. Miles could only focus on trying to keep the nightmares at bay. The more he tried, the further he slipped into his depression. But that was all that mattered to him. He just wanted to have as painless of an existence as he could, and being numb helped, even if made his life seem pointless.

It was in this state that he heard the unfamiliar buzzing noise. Nobody besides himself had tried to get into his apartment in months. He heard Jesse’s voice, but ignored it. He was probably only there to brag to him about everything he’d done recently. Miles didn’t have the energy to deal with his brother. Miles remained unmoved until his front door suddenly swung open, shoving aside the piles of letters that had accumulated there. The breeze from outside disturbed all the dust that had settled on every surface. Hearing a gasp from his brother, Miles forced his eyes closed, not wanting to be confronted by Jesse. But even as numb as he’d become, the crack in his brother’s voice was enough to break his heart further.

“Miles, what the hell?” Jesse’s voice filled the empty space of the apartment. He wasn’t expecting that. He could have never anticipated the darkened apartment, littered with empty cans and bottles. The many letters that had built up beside the door. His brother’s gaunt face, the dead eyes that didn’t quite follow him, the huge stain down the front of his shirt that could only be alcohol. He looked lost and pathetic. Jesse never wanted to see Miles like this.

Miles had no life in his eyes. In fact, there was none anywhere in the stale apartment that reeked of alcohol and the dirty clothes that Miles must have had on for the entire five months that he was unresponsive. Jesse took note of how nothing seemed to have been cleaned in months. This wasn’t his brother. The Miles he knew used coasters on every table, had people take their shoes off at the front door, and washed every dish when he was finished using it. Immediately, he knew that everything was wrong. Miles eventually stood up, trying to push Jesse back out. He obviously didn’t want Jesse anywhere near his place. Jesse ducked out of his older brother’s arms, glaring at him.

“Miles, I just want to help! What the hell is happening in here?!” he demanded, his voice breaking again. He couldn’t believe how his brother was living. Jesse wondered how long Miles had been like this. Immediately, he knew that his parents’ worries were valid.

“J-just go away, Jesse,” Miles slurred. He didn’t want Jesse to see him like this. Even after everything, he never expected Jesse to show up. Miles suddenly became hyper aware of his messy apartment and the clothes he had been wearing for a few months. Jesse’s upset voice broke him further. Miles never intended to hurt anyone else with this. He saw the disbelief in Jesse’s eyes, but couldn’t do anything about it. He was too far gone to do anything. He felt Jesse’s hand on his shoulder, but he shrugged it off. “I-I want to be alone,” Miles said softly, ignoring Jesse’s desperate pleas. He reached for the bottle of wine again, but Jesse slapped it out of his hand before he could take a drink.

“Can you just knock it off?!” Jesse looked at his brother's’ trembling hands. “I’m not… I’m not leaving you alone, okay?” he said in a shaky voice. He couldn’t believe that he expected to have a short visit and be back on the road in a few minutes. Jesse felt guilty that he would have left his brother alone with his depression and a six pack of beer. “I’m going to listen, please… Please, just talk to me, Miles. I’m here for you.” He pushed aside a clutter of cans and bottles, taking a seat beside his drunken brother. But Miles couldn’t bring himself to look his brother in the eye. He was beginning to suspect that Jesse wasn’t going to leave him alone.

“Jesse, I don’t want to talk right now,” he mumbled, pushing himself further away from his brother. “Why are you here anyway? To brag about your great adventures?” Miles gave him a look of disdain. Jesse didn’t care about him before, why was he starting now? He and Jesse hadn’t seen each other in two years, since the end of the war. Why was Jesse suddenly acting like he needed to talk to him?

"Just shut up, Miles!” Jesse snapped. He was trying to relax, but he couldn’t help himself. Was Miles really trying to accuse him of coming to his house just to brag? They hadn’t spoken since the end of the war, but they both knew damn well why. Jesse had refused to talk to his brother; Miles didn’t deserve to talk to him after what he said.

Miles hadn’t been there to greet him when he stepped off the bus and back into civilization, even though he’d only gotten back a month before. Miles hadn’t been there at the family dinner their parents had planned for Jesse’s return from the Vietnam War. Miles had only been there to tell Jesse that he needed to grow up. He had been there to tell Jesse that despite having just gone through a war, he was still only a kid. All because Jesse cracked one single joke about the war. He made one harmless joke and Miles started yelling and bickering. It ended up escalating to the point where Angus had to pull them off of each other.

“Miles, I’m here for you. Are you really just going to shut me out at a time like this?” Jesse questioned, his voice going soft. He wanted Miles to get angry, to break down, to cry, to do anything but sit there lifelessly.It was like he’d given up on living completely. Jesse’s vision blurred as tears welled up in his eyes. He felt the tears streak down his cheeks, leaving marks on his shirt. He wiped them away with the back of his hand, shaking his head. “Just talk to me… Please…” he sniffled, looking at his brother. Miles’ expression didn’t change. He just sat on the couch, staring at the floor as if he couldn’t get himself to say anything. Jesse watched him, feeling more stressed by the second. He didn’t know if he’d ever have his brother back and at this point, he was beginning to think it was impossible. But Jesse still wasn't worried. No, by now, Jesse was way past worry; he was petrified of what was to come.


	2. Chapter 2

Miles wanted to feel angry at Jesse for coming into his apartment and demanding answers from him. He wanted to feel anything but the constant stream of fear and loss that seemed so normal to him now that he had grown numb to it. But he couldn’t. As Jesse yelled at his brother, begging for him to speak about what was happening, to say  _ something _ , Miles just sat there in silence. He felt broken. He couldn’t articulate his thoughts to explain to Jesse why he couldn’t feel angry, or why he couldn’t feel anything for that matter. He knew the many causes of everything, but he felt like there was no solution anymore.   
  
As Jesse finally broke down in front of his brother and began to cry, Miles finally spoke up. Not because he wanted to, but because Jesse needed him to. Even in his current state and after everything he’d been through, Miles was well aware of his brother’s emotions.   
  
“I don’t know what you want me to say,” Miles finally uttered. “I-I don’t know if I’m asleep or awake right now. For the longest time, everything’s just been a blur and… And I don’t know how to explain it.” He looked his brother in the eye for the first time in a long while. Jesse’s eyes were full of emotion, while Miles’ were as dead as he felt.   
  
Folding his hands in his lap to try and stop the constant shaking, Miles tried to think of a way to tell Jesse what he felt, but couldn’t describe it. He wasn’t feeling anything and Jesse could never understand that. Jesse was always able to repress his negative emotions and had a constant cheery demeanor, even to the point that it was annoying. But at this point, Miles had no emotion left, or so he felt.

“Do you get… Nightmares?” He asked, his voice going hoarse. Jesse’s eyes widened and Miles couldn’t tell if that was a yes or not. “Never mind, you probably don’t understand.” He sighed, dropping the subject.

“Miles, I’m the only one who knows what you’re going through. Just talk to me,” Jesse begged, letting his tears fall. “You need help,” he pointed out, ignoring the fact that Miles had brushed over the fact that they’d fought in the same wars and had definitely had the same experiences. The nightmares were not uncommon to either of them, but Jesse had learned how to cope with his the last two years of life. Evidently, Miles hadn’t. “I’m here for you,” he sighed, placing a gentle hand on his brother’s shoulder which was pushed away instantly. Jesse wondered when the whole ordeal had started. He wanted to know just how long his older brother had been this way without any of them knowing or suspecting a thing; to know why he hadn’t visited sooner or swallowed his pride and forgave his brother for their fight. At that point, Jesse just wanted his older brother back.

Miles didn’t know where to go from there, but Jesse was right. As much as he wanted to deny himself anything, his brother had a good point; he needed help. But at that point, he didn’t know what to do.

When Jesse realized that Miles wasn’t going to speak up again, he began to clean up around his older brother who sat there, feeling useless. He thought he could at least help his brother by cleaning up the mess that hadn’t been taken care of in months. Miles’ eyes just followed Jesse as he picked up the various piles of garbage that had accumulated on the coffee table. Jesse grabbed the huge pile of letters from the door, setting them down next to Miles. The dust that had settled on the couch shot into the air, causing Jesse to cough.   
  
Miles shakily picked up one of the letters and in that moment, he realized just how bad things had gotten. The thought had never occurred to him that this was affecting his parents too. Miles looked around at the complete mess all around him as Jesse drew back the curtain. All the emotions Miles couldn’t feel in the last few months suddenly hit him. He began feel the tears brimming in his eyes and buried his face in his hands. Miles felt immensely guilty for what he was putting his family through. He felt angry at himself, he felt scared, but he had no way of expressing it except through the tears that held dozens of emotions.   
  
“Jesse…” He tried to speak up, but was just caught up by another wave of emotion and was cut off by the sob rising in his chest. Jesse turned towards his brother as soon as he heard his name and his heart broke at the sight. He took a seat beside him again as Miles just cried, not knowing what to do anymore. He’d never felt so helpless in his life.Jesse sighed, wrapping an arm around his brother’s shoulders that trembled with every sob. He leaned his head against his brother’s side, attempting to comfort him as he cried. In that moment, he felt like he couldn’t do anything but just be there. 

Miles was always the strong one, so seeing him in this broken state was jarring. The only other time Jesse had seen his brother like this was when his family had left him. Even then, Miles seemed to know that everything would be okay at the end. Now, he didn’t even seem like the same person who once cracked sarcastic jokes and bought gifts for their parents. Jesse didn’t speak, even after Miles had finished crying. They just sat there together, content with the silence that washed over the room.

Suddenly, the phone in Miles’ kitchen rang obnoxiously, interrupting that silence. Jesse left his broken brother on the couch, making his way into the kitchen and picking up the hanging black phone. It was their parents, worried and concerned as ever.

“H-hello?” Jesse stuttered through his remaining tears, trying not to let it be obvious that he had been crying. “Hi, ma. Yeah, it’s Jesse. How’s Miles? Well, uh…” Jesse turned and looked at the living room where Miles had finally stood up and was walking to the kitchen. To Jesse, he seemed more like a zombie than a real person. “It’s complicated here. I promise I’ll sort things out, though it might be a little-” Jesse was interrupted by Miles tapping him on the shoulder. He gestured for Jesse to hand the phone to him, which he did reluctantly. Miles had known the instant his phone rang that it was his mother. He knew what he needed to be done, even if it made him look weak. Miles had to accept the fact that he couldn’t be alone anymore. He took the phone from Jesse and took a deep breath, trying to make it sound like he hadn’t just been sobbing uncontrollably on the couch.

“H-hey, Ma. It’s Miles,” he managed to get out, his voice wavering slightly. She began to talk his ear off, demanding to know where he’d been and why he hadn’t answered her calls or letters. He closed his eyes and leaned against the wall as he began to feel overwhelmed with emotion again. “I-I know, it’s been too long and I… Look, can I just talk for a second?” Miles said softly, his voice breaking. Upon hearing the brokenness in his voice, Mae Tuck stopped talking. “Ma, I think I need to stay with you and Pa for a while.” Miles finally admitted, seeing the confused look on Jesse’s face. “I think it would be best for me. Why don’t I explain in person, okay? Yes, I love you too, ma. See you then.” He handed the phone back to Jesse and sat down at the kitchen table, one of the few surfaces that wasn’t cluttered with bottles and cans.

He waited as Jesse made the plans with their mother, still confused about why Miles had volunteered to do it. Jesse was going to drive his brother to their parents’ house in Ohio and Miles was going to stay there until he could function like a normal human again, however long that took. Miles couldn’t believe that he’d let himself deteriorate in this way, but he knew now that he couldn’t just depend on himself anymore. As much as he hated the thought, he needed to let Jesse in and actually talk to him. After all, they had most of the same experiences. Maybe there was something Jesse did to keep the nightmares at bay that Miles hadn’t figured out yet. At this moment, Miles just needed to reconnect with his brother, despite how much as he was hurting. Jesse placed the phone back on the wall with a click before turning to his brother, finally meeting his tear-filled gaze.

“I had no idea, Miles. If I knew, I wouldn’t have…I could have…” His voice trailed off when he failed to find the right words. He felt like it was all his fault. Jesse was the one who shut Miles out after their last fight. He was the one who hadn’t seen his own brother in over two years, despite the short distance between their houses. He was the one supposed to be watching out for his brother and he wasn’t doing that. He was going off to faraway countries and having dates and ignoring all of his problems. He only wished he could have been there for Miles before he’d given up on living. “Do you wanna talk about it?” He questioned, raising an eyebrow. They would have plenty of time to talk on the nearly six hour drive to their parent’s place. But Miles didn't give him an answer. As Jesse shuffled awkwardly in the kitchen, he debated using Miles’ phone to call his date and cancel their plans, but decided against it. His brother needed him and Jesse wasn’t backing away this time.

Miles grabbed a worn out jacket from the back of his chair, not caring to take any of his other belongings. He didn’t want to talk to his brother, but he knew it would help. All this just made him feel like a kid that needed to be looked after. He hated himself for how far he let it get. Regardless, Miles could probably benefit from talking to Jesse. He slowly shuffled behind Jesse as they left the apartment. The late afternoon sun shone down on them, making Miles squint. He hadn’t seen this much sun in months. He shielded his eyes and followed Jesse to his car. Toying with his seatbelt, Miles finally spoke up.   
  
“I didn’t give you a chance to answer earlier, but do you have nightmares?” He asked softly, still not making eye contact with his brother. He didn’t want to elaborate, but he knew that Jesse would probably need more details to be able to answer. “You know, like… Uh, from the war?” Miles sighed, knowing how stupid he sounded. “I don’t know how to talk about them, but I didn’t know if you’d be able to help me with them or not.” Jesse felt his heart skip a beat as Miles asked the question. He fumbled with his keys as he began to start his car, unsure of how to answer. He wasn’t surprised by it; of course it was the nightmares. What else would have driven his strong older brother to the brink of insanity and forced him to turn to alcohol for support? Jesse couldn’t tell if he was relieved or concerned, but he tried to answer nonetheless.   
  
“Um, yeah, almost every night…” He responded without any other further explanation, trying to block out the haunting images that plagued his dreams. He had watched so many friends and fellow soldiers die in his lifetime, but nothing was more scarring than the war that had occurred over two years prior. He figured that was the same way for all men around their age, but he knew it was different for him and Miles; they had to deal with multiple lifetimes worth of trauma. “Are they the reason you-” He stopped, not wanting to discuss it any longer. Miles was obviously uncomfortable sharing anything with Jesse. Silence for six hours was a better option than repressed emotion and discomfort for the entire drive to their parents house.


	3. Chapter 3

Jesse tried to keep his eyes on the road, but kept finding himself glancing at his older brother, who was staring out the window as he bounced his knee anxiously. He sighed, removing his baseball cap from his head as he ran his fingers through his hair. At that point, he had no clue what to do in order to help his obviously struggling brother. He knew what Miles was going through, but he didn’t know in what capacity. They had the same war-fueled nightmares, but apparently Miles hadn’t been able to deal with them.

“So, um… How about this weather, huh? Looks like it might rain soon. Not that it would affect us because we’ll… Be in… Ohio…” Jesse trailed off uncomfortably, unable to fill the awkward silence with anything but pointless chatter. Miles shifted in his seat, leaning his head back on the headrest. For hours, Jesse tried to bring the mood up, but kept failing when he realized that Miles wasn’t going to respond to him.

Miles could tell that Jesse wasn’t okay with the silence and tried to think of something that would get his brother talking, but that would distract him from the topic at hand. As long as Jesse didn’t mention the situation they were in, Miles was content to let him talk all he wanted. It would keep Miles’ mind occupied and Jesse would be able to fill the silence like he kept trying to do for the past three hours.

“What have you been up to in the two years since I saw you?” Miles asked softly, trying to make it less uncomfortable for Jesse.  As he leapt into talking about his time living in New York City, Miles actually started to find the sound of him droning on calming. It distracted his mind from overthinking about everything or focusing on the haunting images that plagued his mind. The tension in the car started to fade, even though Miles still didn’t want to speak himself. He knew this was better for Jesse than silence, even if he didn’t actually listen to him.

“-and get this, I went to a real live volcano! Okay, it wasn’t live but it used to be and it could be again some day! It was so awesome!” Jesse gushed. Their one-sided ‘conversation’ had gone on for at least an hour when he realized Miles hadn’t spoken a word. Here he was, bragging about his life while his brother was literally drinking his away. Jesse felt awful.

He glanced over at Miles, his face slowly falling. His brother was focused on the window and the passing scenery, if you could call thousands of rows of corn scenery, barely paying any attention to what Jesse was saying. He let out a deep sigh before quieting down once more. His brother like the quiet, he could at least give him that. At about hour four of the trip, Miles eventually fell asleep, much to Jesse’s relief. He couldn’t tell when the last time Miles had slept, but he knew that he desperately needed it. The silence came back, much to Jesse’s discomfort. He was forced to sit in the silence alone, unable to focus on anything else except for his older brother asleep next to him. He wondered what things would be like if he hadn’t been such a self-absorbed asshole. He wondered what would have happened if he had just gotten over the fact Miles called him childish and called his brother and helped him for once. He knew that it was much deeper than that, but Jesse couldn’t help but feel like he had caused even a little bit of Miles’ mental anguish.

After a while, Jesse finally pulled over at a fast food place somewhere along the state border. They didn’t have long until they made it to their parent’s house, but Jesse was hungry and he figured that Miles could benefit from some food in his system, even if it was some crappy burger. The sun was slowly sinking behind the horizon and he felt a twinge of guilt as he remembered his date back in New York and grimaced when he remembered how much those tickets for the game had cost him. However, he didn’t regret helping his brother out. If he wasn’t a good brother before, he could sure as hell be a good one now. He placed a shaky hand on Miles’ shoulder, gently shaking him awake. Miles jerked at his touch, obviously waking from a nightmare. His chest heaved as he looked around, unsure of his surroundings.

“Hey, it’s just me, it’s okay.” Jesse comforted, trying to calm his brother down. “You want a burger or something? We’re almost to Ma and Pa’s place.” He elaborated, hoping his brother was feeling somewhat better after sleeping, though the panic still evident in Miles’ eyes showed otherwise.

Miles suddenly remembered where he was and relaxed. It was a relief to him that his brother wasn’t suffering in front of him while he was helpless, like every figure from his nightmares. It took him a minute to register what Jesse had asked him, then he nodded at his brother’s question. Nothing but alcohol in his system for a few days left him feeling like an empty husk, so even a cheap burger would be like a gourmet meal on his stomach. Jesse left him alone in the car and Miles stretched, looking around at everything. They’d pulled into a parking lot that had a stretch of highway on one side and a vast cornfield on the other. He only had to endure sitting in the car with Jesse for a little longer, but he realized that this was the easy part. Facing his parents was going to be a whole other ordeal.

Jesse returned a few minutes later, balancing a full paper bag with a few burgers and fries for the two to share. He unlocked the old car and climbed back inside, instantly unwrapping his burger and taking a huge bite, watching as Miles picked at his food, taking small, nervous bites.

“How’d ya sleep?” Jesse mumbled through a full mouth, instantly regretting asking. He could be so clueless at times. “Dumb question, sorry.” He sighed, recalling the terrified look in his brother’s eyes when he had shook him awake.

Miles ignored Jesse’s question as he slowly picked at his burger, not knowing if his stomach was empty or if he was nauseous from the stress. In the time it took Miles to finish the one burger, Jesse had eaten three of them, plus an entire bag of fries. Despite the queasy feeling that didn’t go away, getting some food in his system did help a little. He kept thinking about seeing his parents as he looked down at his lap, brushing a few stray crumbs off of his leg.

“I saw that there was a pay phone outside of the burger place. Wanna call Ma and Pa to tell ‘em where we are?” He questioned, wondering if his brother even wanted to see their parents. He was the one who volunteered to go over there, but Jesse knew that they were worrying their heads off and would most likely have a huge lecture for Miles when he finally arrived. 

“I-I don’t know.” Miles muttered. “I know they’re just going to talk my ear off when we do get there.” He looked at Jesse. He didn’t know what his parents reaction would be, and that stressed him out further. Obviously his mother was worried about him, but he knew that her mood could change at the drop of a hat.

“They’re just worried about you, Miles.” Jesse pointed out, finding himself defending his parents. When they had first called him up that morning, pleading frantically for him to go check on Miles, he thought they were overreacting as well. When he actually found his brother, however, he finally understood why they had been so panicked. “So… How long do you think you’ll stay there?” Miles knew Jesse was right. His parents would probably lecture him for about an hour, but they were just worried about him. Wringing his hands together, he contemplated Jesse’s question. He hadn’t thought about how long he was going to stay with his parents. 

“I guess I’m just going to stay there until I can be alone again.” Miles finally stated. He started feeling a headache build up, his hands trembling. He hadn’t gone this long without a drink in a long time and knew the withdrawal symptoms were going to make his life more of a hell than it already was. After a few more moments of silence, Jesse started the car again. Miles looked down at his fingernails that he’d chewed down to stubs from anxiety. Every second they were closer to the inevitable confrontation with their parents. Miles realized that his appearance was going to come as a shock to them as it had Jesse. It was going to be the hardest conversation he’d ever had with his family.

They didn’t speak again until nightfall when they finally arrived at their parent’s home in Ohio.

Jesse pulled into the driveway, blinking rapidly to try and stay awake. He had been driving the entire time and was the dictionary definition of sleep deprived. But, he knew that he could never ask Miles to drive, at least, not in his current state. He recalled the last road trip they had taken together fondly. It was the winter of 1954 and fresh snow blanketed the Colorado mountains. They had skied for hours; Miles making sure he was doing everything right while Jesse fell flat on his face every ten seconds. It was the last time they were truly together and truly happy. Jesse wondered where that Miles had retired to. Was his brother just a mere shell of his former self? He wanted to know if he would ever get his older brother back, but he knew it was much too soon to tell. He had to prepare for the fact that he might never get a glimpse of the old Miles again.

“You ready?” He questioned, pulling his keys from the car and cracking open the door. Miles sat paralyzed in the front seat and Jesse bit his lip tentatively before placing a shaking hand on his brother’s solid shoulder. “Miles, it’s gonna be alright. You don’t have to be alone anymore.” He elaborated, patting his shoulder softly before emerging from the car and being greeted with a gust of cool summer wind. He could only imagine the apprehension and concern their parents were going through.

Miles just sat in the passenger seat, trying to relax his shaking hands. He didn’t know why he was so afraid. They were just his parents. But even after all he’d been through, the last thing Miles wanted was for his parents to see him in this state. He knew his mother would be heartbroken. Out of everyone in his family, Miles was always the closest with Mae. Even when he and Jesse were at their best, they weren’t as close as he was with his mother.

Nervously, Miles unbuckled his seatbelt with shaking hands. He stumbled out of the car, feeling more anxious and tense than he had while he was alone. Jesse gave him a small, comforting smile as they walked up to the front door. As soon as it opened, Miles aimed his gaze at the ground and wrung his hands together.   
  
“Miles Tuck, where on EARTH have you-” Mae Tuck began to chastise him, but immediately stopped when she really saw him. She’d never seen her son like this. His eyes were cold and dead, permanent dark circles and bags beneath them. His hair was messy and unkempt, his previously clean-shaven face covered in scruff. She took note of how his hands trembled as he struggled to calm them down. This wasn’t the Miles she knew. She pulled him in for a hug and looked him in the eye, still firm. “Why don’t you sit down and explain yourself, young man.”   
  
Miles was relieved that his mother hadn’t shouted at him, but he knew this was much worse for her. Guilt instantly washed over him. Why hadn’t he just pretended everything was okay? Miles knew that he couldn’t have pulled it off for long, but he wished he could have done anything to keep the hurt from her. Miles saw the tears brimming in her eyes and began to sob, burying his face in his mother’s shoulder. Jesse stood to the side as Miles broke down for the second time that day.

Jesse hung back awkwardly as he witnessed his mother yell at Miles, her face riddled with concern and sadness. They entered the house together as Jesse stuffed his hands in his jeans pockets. They weren’t two minutes inside and Miles had already broken down once more and Jesse felt his heart tear again. This man, whoever he was, was not the brother that Jesse once knew.   
  
Upon noticing his father, Jesse moved away from his brother and mother and went to stand next to Angus who looked equally as shocked and terrified as Jesse. The entire family was silent as Miles sobbed. They had no idea what to say.   
  
Eventually, his brother began to calm himself down and Angus was the first to move. He embraced Miles in a bone-crushing hug, whispering in soothing tones as the man began to wipe his tears away. It was similar to the scene that had gone down when Rose had first left Miles. Except, Miles still had hope then. Now, he wasn’t sure he’d ever see his real brother again.   
  
“Ma, is he gonna be okay?” Jesse half-whispered to his mother who looked like she was trying not to cry herself. She didn’t answer him, but Jesse knew already; Miles was forever going to be changed from this.   



	4. Chapter 4

After Miles managed to calm down the sobs building up in his chest, the Tuck family sat in the living room in silence, none of them knowing what to say to the broken man who was once their son. Miles still wanted nothing more than to go back to his cluttered apartment. He wanted a drink and for everything to become numb again. That was far preferable to everything he was feeling on top of the nightmares. But, Miles was sure that staying with his parents was what he needed. With each passing moment, he felt more and more anxious. The silence that he was used to now made him feel on edge. The lack of conversation amplified the clock ticking somewhere in the house. Miles finally took a look at the family surrounding him. Angus’ jaw was clenched and his brows were furrowed as he tried to find the right words, Mae looked as if she would burst into tears if she so much as opened her mouth, and Jesse looked as upset as he had been the entire time. Their eyes all reflected the same fear and worry. Something had to change and Miles was sure that no one else was going to jump in and start talking. He moved his gaze back down to his hands and took a deep breath. Deciding on what to do, he finally spoke up for the first time since they’d arrived.

“Um…” Miles cleared his throat. “Do you mind if I, uh, take a shower?” His voice was still raspy and his family all stared at him as if they didn't recognize his voice. He thought that cleaning himself up would help, knowing that his family would feel more relaxed if he appeared to be more put together than he was. His mother slowly nodded and pointed out the bathroom.

“I’ll get you some clean clothes and lay them out in the guest room for you.” He could feel his family’s eyes on him as he trudged out of the room. They began to talk amongst each other as he left and he knew it would be harder to come back, knowing that they’d finally bombard him with questions the minute he stepped in the living room.

“What exactly did his apartment look like when you got there?” Angus sat down beside Mae, holding her hand in order to comfort her.

“It was horrible,” Jesse admitted. “It wasn’t anything like Miles at all. You know how he always kept everything all perfectly spotless? Well, this was the opposite of that. At least fifty letters were by the door, everything was cluttered like he couldn’t muster up the energy to even put away a dish, I'm pretty sure he's had those clothes on for _at least_ a month. The worst part, I think was the smell. I know for a fact that he'd just stopped taking care of himself and given up. There were empty cans and bottles everywhere...” Jesse paused, thinking to himself. “You don’t happen to have any alcohol here, do you?”

“There’s a bottle of wine on top of the fridge. Why?” Mae questioned, then put the pieces together in her mind. “That’s why he stopped responding? He just kept drinking?”

“That’s part of it. He really needs help, Ma. It’s bigger than I thought.” He sighed, looking down at his hands. “Anyways, you’ll need to get rid of it, okay? I think the best thing for him is to ride out the withdrawal, as hellish as it may be for him, and have us here to support him.” His parents nodded in agreement as Miles came back out in a clean outfit. Despite the dark circles under his eyes, he looked worlds better. Without the stained t-shirt and worn out, holey pants he was once in, Miles even felt slightly better. Not much, but having shaved and washed after so many months of self neglect made him feel like he could at least face his family, if not look them in the eye for once.

“Oh, I should probably change the sheets on the bed in the guest room.” Mae stood up, rushing to the guest room. Angus followed her, leaving Miles and Jesse alone in the living room. Jesse stuck his hands in his pockets awkwardly. He was speechless. He couldn’t even make eye contact with Miles, it was almost like he was speaking to a stranger. At least now he looked less like the mess Jesse knew his brother had become. After a while, the silence was killing him and he did the only thing he could think of. He pushed himself forward, breaking the barrier between him and his brother quite literally as he wrapped his arms around his brother’s waist and rested his head on his chest, still amused by the vast height difference. There was an obvious moment of hesitation before Miles completed the embrace by wrapping his arms around Jesse. Miles was uncomfortable with the sudden contact, but was touched that his brother still cared.

“I’m really glad you’re okay.” Jesse said softly, holding on tighter to his older brother. Miles knew now that his brother really was worried, not just feeling obligated to stay with him. He wrapped his arms around his younger brother and sighed. He knew that his family just wanted to help and at some point, he would need to let them in.

Feeling another headache come on, Miles felt his body tremble more from the lack of alcohol. Miles needed a drink, but he knew that wasn’t going to happen. He needed to distract himself from the pain.

“Hey, Jesse?” He asked softly, looking down at his brother. Settling himself down on the couch, Miles sighed, actually letting himself ask his brother for help. “How do you deal with them? The nightmares, I mean.” He felt his brother sit on the couch beside him. Miles pulled his feet up and crossed his legs, facing Jesse. If Jesse hadn’t already told him earlier, Miles would have already known that his brother had nightmares about the war. Years prior, Jesse had made a friend in the war. Not that he didn’t get along with everyone, but this was special. Jesse and Nick hit it off quickly and Jesse wrote home about him, even. But then, Jesse stopped writing home after battles. He came home changed, and Miles confronted him. That’s when he saw his brother cry for the first time since Winnie. Jesse told him all about how much it hurt when he lost Nick, when he never came back. That still haunted him and Miles knew it for a fact. Miles was there to comfort him then, now Jesse was just trying to do the same for him.

“I-I, um, I just don’t…” He wondered why he was suddenly unable to speak. He had given advice before, this was no different. He took a deep breath, wondering where their parents were. “I guess that I just wake up and try to calm myself down by reading or watching TV,” he continued, knowing that he was lying through his teeth. He hated himself for lying, but he didn’t exactly have a choice; was he supposed to just tell his brother he lied in bed for hours on end, thinking about and crying over the thousands he had seen die before him? Was he supposed to just explain how he had lost the one man he could call a best friend before his very eyes? “I take my mind off of them and eventually I just fall back asleep… But they’re different for everyone, right?” He questioned, trying not to make it too obvious that he was lying to his brother. Miles chewed his lip as Jesse explained how he dealt with his nightmares. There was some part of him that wanted to believe that it actually worked, but that didn’t seem like Jesse. Miles had already tried distracting himself. That’s how he’d gotten so bad. Starting with reading, Miles changed how he distracted himself with the nightmares almost every night. Finally, he’d turned to alcohol. It worked to numb his feelings and gave him some way to combat his emotions. Jesse was full of shit. Leaning back, he turned his gaze to the ceiling.

“That doesn’t work for me.” He muttered. “Does it really work for you, though? It seems like such a tiny thing.” Miles pointed out. He caught Jesse’s cheeks turning red and sighed. “That’s not how you deal with them, is it?” He started to feel chills from the alcohol withdrawal and wrapped his arms around his thin frame.   
  
He remembered the first night that his nightmares became unbearable. Even though he knew that they were just dreams, he sat up all night, jumping at every little sound. The stress got to him and his mind started deteriorating with each hour of sleep that he missed. He began to hear the screams and gunshots, even when his apartment was in complete silence. Every time a car honked outside, a normal event in the middle of Philadelphia, Miles panicked and became afraid of being alone at night. He tried sleeping with the radio on to distract his mind, he tried reading to keep his mind off of it, but nothing worked. Until one night, he drank himself into a stupor. That was the first time he’d lost the constant fear that built up in his mind. He lost most feelings along with it, but it helped in spite of that. Miles silently cursed himself for becoming so weak, but at that moment, his parents walked into the room. The conversation with Jesse would have to wait. He didn’t want to bother the rest of his family with talk of his nightmares.

Jesse wasn’t surprised at how easily his brother had called his bluff. He was just about to respond with the truth when they heard their parents reenter the room and Jesse sighed in relief, turning away from Miles. As much as he wanted to help, thinking of his nightmares was too much for him after everything that had gone down that day.

“I think it’s best we all got to bed for the night, we can talk tomorrow,” their father announced in his gruff voice, placing an arm around Miles’ violently shaking shoulders. Jesse knew what withdrawal looked like and Miles was the poster child for it. He was worried, but knew it wasn’t harmful unless Miles was tempted. He watched as his father led Miles back towards the guest room, attempting to keep them both upright. It was a sorry sight to see, but Jesse was only worried that his brother was going to wake up in the middle of the night and instantly go searching for alcohol or some other source of relief. Jesse had already hidden his keys and would advise his parents to do the same. They couldn’t take any chances.

By then, Miles was past the point of just wanting a drink. It had become a need at that moment. As his father led him to the guest room, Miles knew that sleep wasn’t going to come easy. But for the sake of his family, he needed to try.

“Thanks, Pa…” Miles gave his father a weak, unconvincing half-smile as he sat down on the bed. It took hours of trembling in the darkness by himself, but Miles eventually fell asleep. That’s when it went downhill. All he dreamt of was war. Miles was on a battlefield, his navy blue jacket glistening with blood that didn’t belong to him. He had this nightmare way too often; it was the first moment he realized how brutal war was. He grasped the young, dying soldier in his arms, his once-grey jacket forever stained with his blood. He couldn’t have been any older than Jesse, he didn’t deserve to die. Miles clenched his jaw as he tried to calm the young man’s screams, but to no avail. Flashback after flashback of every soldier he comforted while he died, every person who had led rich, full lives that Miles envied. Every person Miles wished he’d switched places with. Every time Miles wished he could die more than anything in the world. Waking with a cry of fear, Miles scanned his surroundings, but didn’t relax when he found that he was just in his parent’s house. He pulled his knees tight to his chest, sitting up. He tried to calm his breathing, but nothing seemed to work. His body shook with fear, withdrawal, and the sobs that wouldn’t stop coming. The bed suddenly dipped beside him and he snapped his head up, seeing his mother turning on the lamp beside them. Mae Tuck wrapped her arms around her broken son, rubbing his back gently. 

“It was only a dream, Miles… It can’t hurt you while you’re awake.” She cooed softly. Miles buried his face in his mother’s shoulder, knowing how wrong she was, but appreciating her presence. She wiped the tears from his cheeks and sighed, looking him in the eye. “You’re going to get past this. Lord knows you’re the strongest of any of us.” Miles took a deep breath and wrapped his shaking arms around his mother, leaning into her warm embrace. He hoped she was right, but sincerely doubted that he would ever truly recover from this.

Both awakened by the shouts and terror coming from the guest room, Jesse and Angus rushed towards the other end of the house, only to find Mae already comforting a shaking Miles. Angus took a seat next to Mae on the bed, whispering in soothing tones, trying to calm his sons violent trembling.

Jesse hung back, it was obvious that he couldn’t do much to help his brother no matter how much he wanted to. After a few minutes, their mother permitted Miles to lie down once more and the remaining members of the family exited the room, Mae purposefully leaving the light on as if it would help keep Miles' nightmares at bay.

“Jesse, you’re gonna come with me and your brother tomorrow on a little fishing trip.” His father announced in a hushed tone as they made their way back into the living room. Jesse silently agreed with a nod of his head, wondering what plan could be stirring within his father. “He seems to talk more around you, maybe that’ll help us somehow.” He reasoned and Jesse hoped it would. As they all said goodnight once more, Jesse returned to his makeshift bed on the pullout couch. He wondered what the morning, and this mysterious fishing trip, would bring.


	5. Chapter 5

As sunlight shone through the half-open curtains, Miles turned his gaze to the clock on the table beside the bed. Seeing that it was only 6 am, he leaned his head back and stared up at the ceiling. Only a few hours prior, he’d been woken up by his nightmares, only to find that his parents were there to comfort him. It was strange for him, seeing as how he’d always had to deal with being alone after waking up in fear. It gave him the tiniest glimmer of hope, that maybe having help would make things better.   
  
Miles’ stomach made a loud noise and he instinctively wrapped his arms around his torso. Hearing clatter coming from the kitchen, he decided that he should probably eat if he was going to last through the day. His father had asked him to go on a fishing trip. Miles knew that it wasn’t going to just be that, that he obviously wanted to talk. But Jesse would be coming along, which put Miles a little more at ease. It was strange, he’d never gotten along with his brother before then. Jesse and Miles always had a little bit of tension between them, but it seemed almost nonexistent now. Granted, Miles was half the person he used to be.   
  
As he slowly shuffled toward the kitchen, Miles saw his younger brother sitting on the counter eating cereal. Jesse glanced up from his somewhat soggy cereal as his brother walked into the otherwise empty kitchen, looking absolutely exhausted. Miles saw a coffee pot and instantly went towards making himself a cup. There was silence between the two brothers, but Miles noticed that Jesse kept watching him as if he were some stranger. Jesse was secretly glad he had fixed his parents up their morning beverage. He hadn’t even thought about Miles wanting some, but was relieved that he wasn’t searching around for a different type of drink. Searching the cupboards, Miles finally found a mug and sipped on the black coffee, hoping the caffeine would help him. After all, if he formed an addiction to coffee in place of alcohol, that was much more normal. It wouldn’t break his family if he were more awake.   
  
Jesse yawned, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He had gotten up early that morning, unable to fall back asleep after his brother’s nightmare in the middle of the night. He settled his nerves with mindless TV and tried not to let his mind wander. Unfortunately, as the morning dragged on, Jesse was unable to keep his thoughts away from the possibilities of the next few days. He was apprehensive about the fast approaching fishing trip, but still anxious. He just wanted to know what was going on in his brother’s mind.   
  
“How you feelin'?” Jesse questioned, not bothering to finish his cereal. He leaned back on the counter, resting his palms on the cool granite surface. Miles leaned against the counter across from his brother and shrugged at his question.   
  
“Couldn’t go back to sleep.” He responded matter-of-factly. He noticed how tired his brother looked and sighed. “You couldn’t either, huh?” Miles couldn’t help but feel guilty. It was his fault that his entire family got up in the middle of the night to console him. “Sorry ‘bout that…” Miles muttered, rocking on his heels. He couldn’t stand feeling like this. Like he was some kid who couldn’t take care of himself. He never wanted to disturb his whole family with his problems, but that’s what it had come to.

“It’s fine,” Jesse shrugged, pushing the bowl aside. Just as he was about to ask his brother how he felt about the fishing trip, their mother came into the room. Mae Tuck smiled and kissed both her boys on the head before pouring herself a cup of coffee and searching for something to make. Miles tried to smile back at her, but all that he managed to form was a weak grimace. He downed the last of his coffee and noticed that some of the shaking in his hands had subsided. He might be able to get through the worst of his cravings by drinking coffee. He sat down at the kitchen table as their father walked in wearing his self-proclaimed lucky fishing hat, setting fishing poles down and leaning them against the wall.

Miles’ anxious feelings escalated. He knew his father would most likely lecture him about how immature drinking away his problems was. Angus was always better at having difficult conversations. But some small part of Miles hoped that he had a different conversation in store, something that could actually help him.

Jesse hopped off the counter, ignoring his mother’s glare at the dirty dish he left behind as he claimed he was going to go get dressed for the fishing trip. Unlike New Hampshire, there was no lake a few yards from their house and he knew the drive would be long and filled with tension and silence and their father trying to fill those silences with corny jokes and not-so-subtle questions. Jesse was not looking forward to this, but he knew that Miles wouldn’t be ecstatic either and he figured that if his brother could get through it, he could too.

Once all three of the Tuck men were ready to go, they climbed into Angus’ old pickup truck. Jesse was sat in between his father and brother and turned on the radio to avoid awkward silence. Miles was slightly thankful, knowing that a difficult conversation would be hard to keep up over the music. He leaned against the window and closed his eyes, trying to drown out his thoughts with the music. The hour-long drive to the lake was filled with the low music and Angus’ cheesy jokes that made both boys groan. For a while, it seemed almost like a normal fishing trip as Miles brought himself to make small talk, asking what his father had been up to. The silence returned, however, when they got to the shore of the lake. Miles could feel the apprehension that he knew his brother and father shared. He had no clue what to expect.

Once they finally got out on the lake and settled into the small rowboat, Jesse realized he couldn’t care less about fishing. While he appreciated the fact that he was finally spending some time with his father before their ten-year-meetup point, his main focus was Miles, who sat parallel to him in the crowded boat and stared blankly into the water. An early morning fog settled over the lake and Jesse could feel the breeze blowing through his light hair. He could recall times where he wanted nothing except to be out on a small boat with his father, just spending the afternoon making jokes and talking about Jesse’s adventures. Now, he just wanted to know if his older brother would be alright.

“I’m not gonna lecture you, but I want you to know how disappointed and concerned me and your mother are.” Their father started gruffly, finally casting out a line and speaking only after he heard the satisfying plop of the bait into the water. “We deserve to know something though, you can’t just keep everything bottled up, only tell one person,” he paused, shooting an obvious glance towards Jesse. “and expect everything to be alright.” He finished with a sigh. While their father’s reasoning was sound, Jesse could feel the tension build up in the boat and he could almost see the frustration coming off his brother in waves. What Angus didn’t seem to understand was that he simply didn’t understand where Miles was coming from.   
  
Miles eyes darted to Jesse, trying to read his expression in order to react accordingly. His emotions were too fragile for him to trust. An outburst was certainly a possibility if he were to just react quickly. A air of frustration settled over him as he tried to figure out something to say, in vain. He wasn’t about to launch into full details about the paranoia and fear that constantly ate away at him. He wasn’t about to break down in front of his family again. He sure as hell wasn’t going to try to explain his complicated reasoning for suddenly cutting them off from his life. It was simple; they wouldn’t understand. If he tried to tell them everything, they wouldn’t know the full depth of it all.   
  
That’s why he was so relieved that Jesse was there. Jesse seemed to understand what little Miles had told him. Relying on his younger brother seemed so stupid and childish, but it helped. Miles couldn’t figure out why, but it did. Realizing that his father wanted him to speak up, Miles drew in a shaky breath, returning his gaze to the water.   
  
“I don’t know what you want me to say, Pa…” He stated, knowing that’s not what any of them wanted to hear. But it was true. Miles couldn’t bring himself to jump right in and say just anything. His mind raced as he tried to figure out something to say that would satisfy the need for conversation. “I-I’m just scared.” Miles said bluntly, not elaborating or even looking up to see his family’s reaction.

Jesse wasn’t a mind reader, but he could still tell what was running through both his father and his brother’s heads on that boat. He could sense the fear and the angst, the repression of feelings and the anger. He just wanted it all to end and he suddenly regretted following along with his father’s plan in the first place. But he knew his brother needed him there. He couldn’t back out now.

“We’re all scared, Miles. Do you know how worried your mother was for months?” Their dad started once more and Jesse felt himself internally cringe.   
  
“Ooh, not a good choice of words, Pa…” He mused to himself, trying once more to focus on the water.   
  
“We know you’re hurting, but couldn’t you have the common sense to just pick up the phone?” Angus continued, nearly in a shout and Jesse sighed. Total lost cause. He was truly amazed at how insensitive and unaware their father could be. Finally, he spoke up.   
  
“Pa, you can’t understand, it’s not so simpl-” he tried to come to his brother’s defense but was cut off as Miles turned to his father, contempt blazing in his dark eyes.

“Well, shit, why didn’t I just think of that sooner?!” Miles snapped, his words dripping with sarcasm and anger. “You’re saying that picking up the phone would just fix everything? You’re saying that all I needed to do to come out of it was to just hold the phone and talk to Ma?” Miles clenched his jaw firmly, seeing Angus become taken aback by his sudden outburst. “That sounds so fuckin’ easy, I wonder why I never did that!” Miles spat, only half-knowing what he was saying in his rage. “Maybe next time you don’t want to move from the couch because you just want to cease to exist, I’ll just give you a simple solution like that! It’ll fix everything, right?!” He threw his hands up in the air, then instantly regretted everything he said when he saw his father’s face.

Angus looked deeply hurt by Miles’ outburst. He and Jesse were both speechless. Jesse knew the outburst was coming, but he still didn’t expect the level of anger that Miles had just spewed forth. He had never seen Miles act that way around their father, or anyone for that matter. He had no idea that Miles could even explode that way. Sure, Jesse had endured his fair share of yelling from his older brother, but never like that.   


“Pa, I-I didn’t mean…” Miles trailed off, finally settling back into the uncomfortable silence. He’d gone and made things worse for all of them. Why couldn’t he have just kept his mouth shut? He turned his gaze to the ground and felt more guilt overcome him. Their father looked shocked. He turned back to his fishing pole in silence. He cleared his throat like he was going to speak but no words came out. Finally, Jesse decided it was up to him to break the silence.   


“Look, Miles, he didn’t know,” Jesse attempted to point out, suddenly coming to his father’s defense. “Just, everyone calm down…” He sighed, knowing that there was no way to fix the situation. Miles knew he’d messed everything up. If he’d only kept his mouth shut, he wouldn’t have caused this. Usually, he didn’t have outbursts; he was so level-headed. That’s why he felt so guilty.

“I’m sorry, Pa. Really, I wasn’t thinking right. I didn’t mean what I said.” Miles looked at his father, finally making eye contact with him. He knew that Angus just wanted to reconnect with him, and he snapped. Not getting any sort of reaction from his father, Miles looked to Jesse for help, not knowing where to go from there. He felt bad that Jesse was put in such a tough position. Clearing his throat, Miles decided to just let them in. It’s what they wanted, and the least Miles could do was give his father an explanation after his outburst.   
  
“You want to know why I did it? It’s because I gave up.” He said in a quiet voice, not quite sure if he wanted them to hear it. “I gave up trying to live. After everything I did, life just kept kicking my ass and I was tired of fighting back. I didn’t purposely cut everyone off, I just wanted to not feel anything anymore.” Miles explained lamely, knowing it only raised more questions. His family wanted to know, so he finally let them in. “Look, I know this isn’t the kind of thing you want to hear your son telling you, but it’s all I can say right now.” Miles looked at his father, finally connecting with him after years of fake smiles and forced conversation. He watched silently as his father’s eyes clouded with tears. For a minute, he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. He had never seen his father cry. Despite all the time they had been alive, Miles had never experienced that side of him. The day before had been a whirlwind of emotion and crying, but Miles was genuinely shocked as he watched his father wipe stray tears away from his eyes before putting an arm around him, pulling him close.

“I’m sorry, kid, I should’ve noticed.” Angus admitted, patting Miles’ shoulder lightly. “It’s gonna be okay now, we’re all here for you.” He sighed. Miles felt as if a large weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He leaned into his father’s embrace and whispered a short “I’m sorry” before pulling away and reverting his attention to the water once more. He felt a slight relief at having someone else know how he was feeling. “Y’know,” Angus started again, clearing his throat. “I went through something like this about 20 or so years ago.” Both boys turned their attention to their father as he laughed, despite the lack of humor in his expression. “It wasn’t as severe as your case, but I felt the same way you do. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t bring myself to get up in the morning. I’d decided that my impact on this world didn’t matter, so I gave up living too. Your mother did all the research she could at the time and decided that I’d become deeply depressed. She was right, and I don’t think I could have made it through without her help.” He paused for a moment, looking at Miles. “So, I just want you to know that we’re here for you. Whatever you need, we’ll be here to try and make it happen.” Miles managed to smile at his father, feeling deeply touched. Obviously Angus wouldn’t understand his nightmares and the constant paranoia that he felt, but he understood Miles’ feelings of not wanting to live anymore. 

As Angus turned back to his fishing, feeling content that he was finally able to connect with his son, Miles noticed that Jesse was floundering. Jesse’s expression showed that he was deep in thought, but he also looked immensely worried. Miles felt horrible. His brother had never seen him like this, and it was obviously tearing him up inside. Miles had always been strong, but now he was breaking down in front of his family and finally letting his guard down. It couldn’t have been easy on Jesse, who’d looked up to his older brother for being the stronger one.

Silence invaded the boat once more. The water rippled as Jesse made his line move, his hands shaking the fishing pole involuntarily. He couldn’t help it, he was just so on edge. He had no idea what to think. Tensions were high and he could tell Miles’ patience was running low. Was this how the coming weeks would be? Would his parents expect him to stick around? Did Miles even want him around? He felt a shiver pass through his body despite not being cold. He ran a frustrated hand through his hair. He decided that if he didn’t ask now he most likely never would.

“So, uh, I know I just got here and all, but I’ve got like, a job now, and some roommates…” his voice trailed off with uncertainty as he was met with confused glances from both his brother and his father. While his father’s stare was simply engaged, Miles’ gaze held trepidation and a look of betrayal. Jesse continued nonetheless. “They’re probably wondering where I am, and I just, I already bought tickets to Europe for next week and...” he sighed deeply, watching as Miles turned his attention back to the water, obviously hurt by Jesse’s desire to leave. Jesse didn’t bother finishing.

Miles knew that he was being selfish. He knew that he was just dragging his family down with his problems. Of course Jesse didn’t want to stay. Who would want to hang around their brother who could barely take care of himself or be alone? It hurt, but Miles knew that he wasn’t the best company. Asking Jesse to drop his life just so he could be more comfortable was selfish.

“Oh, right…” Miles nodded, trying to hide his true feelings. Jesse wouldn’t be fooled, but if he at least acted like he was okay with his brother leaving, then he wouldn’t feel as guilty. For some reason he felt like he needed Jesse there. But he couldn’t depend on having his brother with him forever. The caffeine began to wear off and Miles’ head throbbed. Trying to mask his discomfort and distract his family from the topic at hand, he pointed to Angus’ fishing rod. “I think you caught something, Pa.” He gave a sigh of relief as his father turned his attention to the fish he caught and not at Miles, who was very obviously crashing from his morning caffeine. He just wanted to lie down. He knew that he really wanted a drink, but he needed to tuck that thought away. His family needed him to recover as soon as possible, but he doubted that would ever happen.   



	6. Chapter 6

The hours passed and the three Tuck men sat quietly, anything but peaceful in that tiny boat out on the lake. It was a confusing mess full of repressed emotions and none of them had any words. Despite the fact that he’d finally opened up to them, the other two were still worried about Miles.

Eventually, the sun settled right overhead, showing it was late morning and the heat finally began to settle in. Jesse wiped a line of sweat from his brow for what had to be the thirtieth time when Angus finally began to row the boat back to the nearby shore. All three were inexplicably relieved. As they began to load their fishing gear into the truck once more, Jesse absentmindedly knocked into Miles, scattering their fishing poles to the ground in a heap.

“Sorry, my bad,” he apologized moodily, feeling frustrated. However, as dropped to the ground to gather the gear, he met his brothers gaze and felt a pang of sympathy and all his anger disappeared. “Hey, are you alright?” He questioned, cocking an eyebrow. It was almost as if his brother couldn’t function without a drink, and that terrified Jesse. The man was hardly even aware Jesse had bumped into him and his eyes were simply abandoned. It was almost like there wasn’t a thought in his head.

Slowly, Miles began to become aware of his surroundings and Jesse suddenly realized what had happened. A flashback. He got them often too, but he had never shared that same look that Miles held just a split second ago. Usually, Jesse was as observant as a brick wall, but for once he was finally able to relate to his brother and truly understand how he was feeling. He knew that Miles desperately needed a drink and that he would do anything to get one. He knew his brother thought the alcohol would help, but it wouldn’t. It never would. Jesse came up behind his father, frantically explaining how he couldn’t let Miles out of his sight for the rest of the afternoon. Angus nodded gruffly, but Jesse didn’t miss the obvious apprehension in his eyes. Everyone was scared for his well-being, except for Miles himself.

Miles’ self-control was slipping. As the caffeine wore off, he became more and more anxious. He needed a drink and he needed it immediately. Seeing that they were finally heading back to shore, Miles tried to devise a plan. He knew that Jesse wasn’t going to let him out of his sight, but he needed to sleep sometime. Miles decided that he’d head into town and find a bar the minute his brother fell asleep.

Feeling his headache escalating to a migraine, Miles suddenly stopped in his tracks, the sounds of gunshots and screams sounding so close. His breathing picked up and he felt frozen with fear. Jesse’s voice sounded so far away as he shook his head, coming back to his senses. Miles knew the flashbacks were only going to get worse if he didn’t get some alcohol in his system. He clambered into the cab of the truck, staying silent for the entire drive back to his parents house.

The minute Miles stepped in the door, he knew that Jesse wasn’t going to leave him alone. He just shuffled over to the couch, dragging his feet the entire way. It was hell. The next few hours, Miles seriously considered leaving the house for good.

The rest of the Tucks would get along fine without him. He was just dragging them down and making them all worry. In the tense hours between the time they returned to the house and the time everyone had settled down for bed, Miles hadn’t spoken a single word. If he did, he knew he’d end up saying some shit he’d regret a second later. Just like when they were on the boat and he told them how he felt. He’d only made his family more worried.

At about 4 am, Miles silently walked from the guest room to the living room, grabbing his jacket. He didn’t think any of his family members would be awake at that hour. He was wrong. Just before he reached the door, a lamp flickered to life and he saw Jesse sitting on the couch, watching him with tired eyes. Miles froze, trying to think of an excuse why he was leaving the house at 4 in the morning.

“Hey, uh... I didn’t know you were up.” He looked at his brother who gave him an unamused look, obviously knowing why he was awake. “I-I was just going for a run, you know... To get some fresh air.” He lied, knowing that Jesse would never believe him

Jesse hated to admit it, but he felt guilty. He felt guilty for leaving his brother alone. He felt guilty for never giving his damaged brother a second thought because he was too wrapped up in his own life. He felt guilty for telling Miles he was leaving and for every fight they had ever gotten into. If Jesse knew that it was going to end up like this, he would have never fought with his brother. He missed his brother who would occasionally crack a smile or make jokes or feel anything. If he knew that brother would be gone one day, Jesse would have held on much longer.  Because of this, Jesse felt it necessary to help his parents out somehow and he informed them he would try to stay up that night to see if Miles tried to go anywhere. Their parents found it an absurd idea, but they were proven wrong when Jesse heard light footsteps and labored breathing behind him. Frantically, Jesse turned the only lamp resting on the otherwise bare nightstand on and the room was illuminated with the dim light. The first thing Jesse noticed was the heavy bags under his brother’s eyes and he sighed, wondering if his brother had been able to sleep at all even though he knew he was safe and cared for here. Jesse hesitantly got to his feet, slightly fearing that they would suffer another fight and he wouldn’t be able to stop his brother from doing anything destructive.

“C'mon, man,” Jesse scoffed, rising from his chair. He didn’t believe his brother’s false story for a moment, and Miles knew it. Jesse tried to meet his brother’s gaze, but he tore his eyes away almost instantly. He didn’t want to see the desperation and anger in his brother’s dark eyes. He couldn’t handle it. “Don’t be stupid, that was never gonna work.” He pointed out, stifling a yawn.

Miles felt so stupid. How had his life gotten to this point? He let himself break down and now he couldn’t even make it more than a day without a drink. He felt horrible, in more ways than one. Knowing that Jesse wasn’t going to let him out without a fight, Miles sighed, setting his jacket down. He wasn’t going to be able to get past Jesse at that point, he’d sooner pass out in his current physical state.

"You’re right.” Miles admitted, not meeting his brother’s gaze. Everything made him seem helpless, like he wasn’t able to think or care for himself. Which was partially true. “I’m sorry, Jesse.” He muttered, not knowing what else to say to his brother. Jesse bit his lower lip as soon as his brother muttered a pitiful “I’m sorry”. He didn’t want his brother to apologize; the man didn’t do anything wrong. He just wanted Miles to know that Jesse would be there for him, even if Jesse was too petrified to show it at times. That entire morning, he’d had been contemplating his decision to actually return to New York. Around 3:00 he had left a message on his roommates’ machine and explained to them why he had been missing for two days. In reality, the three college-aged kids he shared a cramped apartment with probably didn’t care. The more room for them, the better.  “I just… I don’t know how to live without it.” Miles started again, clenchinghis fists tightly, digging his nails into his palms nervously. Miles sat in silence with his brother, still pressing his nails into the palm of his hands from the stress. He needed to get out of the house, but he knew that he’d never come back if he did. Jesse kept eyeing him nervously and Miles sighed, feeling slightly annoyed by it.

“I’m not going to try and run for it, Jesse.” He turned his head, looking at his brother. “You’d end up taking me out the second I tried and I’m too tired for that shit.” Miles saw that that darkness outside was starting to recede and he took a deep breath, thinking of a way he could try and relax. “Do you want to go watch the sunrise with me?” He asked, stretching his arms.

Jesse turned back to his solemn older brother and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. At the man’s request to watch the sunrise, Jesse felt a tug on his heartstrings. They hadn’t done something like that in 200 years, but Jesse could distinctly remember the last time they did.    
It was four years before they drank the water in Treegap wood. Jesse was 13 to Miles’ 18 and at that time, all Jesse wanted was to impress his big brother. He could never remember what Miles wanted, but Jesse knew it was most likely a life away from their parents. Despite their startling differences, the two were close and Jesse tried his best to never leave Miles’ side. On Christmas Eve morning, 1804, Jesse and Miles watched the sunrise together as Jesse excitedly explained what he had asked for for Christmas. Miles just listened. Maybe that’s what Jesse could do for Miles this time. Just listen. So, he obliged. He grabbed his own jacket from the couch and slipped it over his thin frame. The two made their way to the backyard, not wanting to be disturbed by the street noise from outside. Jesse took a seat on the damp grass, ignoring the stains he would probably get on his jeans. Miles sat on the porch, resting his elbows on his knees. The man suppressed a shiver and Jesse wondered what withdrawal looked like. He made a vow to drive over to the library that afternoon and try to get some research done. It wasn’t much, but it was certainly something. He sighed as he reclined in the well-kept grass, ignoring the dew drops soaking his back and hair. He glanced over at his brother, noticing the tiniest smirk on his face. Again, it wasn’t much, but it was something. He would do anything to make his brother laugh again.

“D'ya think ants know what anteaters are?” Jesse wondered aloud jokingly. No smile, but Miles’ eyes were certainly engaged. As the sun began to slowly sink over the horizon and cast a warm golden glow on the two immortal young men, Jesse continued, desperate to amuse his brother.

He never expected Jesse to agree to watching the sunrise with him. That was something they hadn’t done together in over a century. Miles couldn’t help but give a slight smile as the boys sat together, taking in the crisp morning air.

Miles shivered, pulling his jacket tighter around himself. He made a mental note to try and see if he could go out to buy himself something warmer. The chills and constant shaking from the alcohol withdrawal made him feel on edge all the time. He took deep breaths and leaned forward a bit, trying to relax. As Jesse cracked a few lame jokes, Miles found himself smiling. It wasn’t a full on smile, but he felt better knowing that Jesse was putting out an effort to cheer him up. Jesse may not have been good at having tough conversations, but he always was somehow able to cheer Miles up. Miles was the opposite; he was never able to make Jesse happier, but he was there to talk with. When Winnie died, Miles stayed with Jesse for a week afterwards to make sure he was okay. That’s what he was good for then. But now, he wasn’t good for anything. Miles stared into the brightening horizon and fiddled with his hands, finally turning to Jesse.

“Tell me honestly, Jesse. Do you think I’ll ever seem… Well, for lack of a better word, normal?” He asked, feeling apprehensive. “I know I’ll never really be happy, but I just wish I could go about life like you do.” Miles admitted, seeing the confused expression on Jesse’s face. “I do, you have such a good outlook on life and I’ve had so much shit happen to me that I doubt I’ll ever be at that point.” He leaned back, stretching out his legs. Miles could barely remember a time where he was happy. Sure, there were plenty of moments before they drank from the spring, but after then his life had headed downhill fairly quickly. 

Jesse was right in the middle of telling some corny joke when Miles interrupted him and essentially dropped an atom bomb on the conversation. Jesse glanced away from the bright sun to meet his brother’s worried gaze and he suppressed a sigh. While he wasn’t upset that his brother was sharing his feelings once more, it was just an issue that Jesse personally liked to avoid, even when he knew his brother didn’t. Even though he wasn’t enjoying the new uncomfortable silence they had fallen into, he answered anyway, knowing his brother needed the closeness and reassurance.

“You’re normal right now, Miles,” Jesse explained softly. He hesitated before speaking once more, scrunching up his nose as he thought. “Well, as normal as you’re gonna get. Every veteran I know goes through shit like this, and even though you don’t have a positive outlook on life, nobody expects you to,” He reasoned, sitting himself up off the dew covered grass and running a hand through his hair to free it of any dead grass. “It’s just gonna take some time.” He pointed out, wondering if the words he was speaking even made sense. Miles nodded along, still deep in thought. He didn’t want to ruin the mood they had, but the question was still burning in his mind. He needed to ask Jesse then or he might not get another chance.

“Hey, Jesse?” he sighed, looking down at the ground. “What were you going to say yesterday? When I asked you how you actually dealt with the nightmares?” Miles could feel the tension grow between them, but he didn’t care. He just needed to know if there was something that he could do to try and cope. Jesse knew Miles would want to revisit the topic of the nightmares. Suddenly, Jesse wished the stupid sun would just finish rising and their parents would call them in for breakfast. He bit his lower lip nervously, attempting to think up a new bullshit answer for Miles’ question. Personally, he had no idea how to deal with the nightmares. Why was he automatically made the advice-giver?

“Um,” his voice trailed off as he dragged out the single syllable and he found himself awkwardly staring at the ground, methodically ripping blades of grass out of his father’s perfectly manicured lawn. “I guess, well, what I do…” He stopped speaking and the earth fell silent once more, except for the sounds of Ohio nature around them. What was he supposed to tell his brother? That he woke up in the middle of the night screaming and crying until one of his roommates yelled at him to shut up? That he was too petrified of loud noises to even step outside at times? While Jesse certainly wasn’t as fucked up as Miles was, they both shared the experiences of serving in many wars, and they both knew the outcome wasn’t pretty. Jesse had no advice to give, except for not to drown yourself in alcohol to forget. 

Miles didn’t even know why he kept trying to get Jesse to open up to him. It obviously wasn’t going to happen.  As Jesse explained that he was as normal as he was going to get, he sighed deeply. Of course he wasn’t going to get better, he was too far gone at this point. The constant nightmares and paranoia were something he was just going to have to figure out how to live with, despite the fact they already drove him to the breaking point. The fact that he couldn’t deal with them gave him little hope for his future. Honestly, Miles couldn’t see a future for himself. He knew that he would just be dragging himself along for his whole miserable existence. There wasn’t going to be anything worth getting excited for, he would just be at a constant lull. That was a constant worry in the back of his mind; if he couldn’t find his purpose now, how was he ever going to? 

He instantly regretted asking Jesse about the nightmares. The distance between them grew and Miles knew he’d ruined everything by bringing them up. He made a silent vow to stop mentioning the nightmares so that Jesse would feel less uncomfortable. It seemed like they were finally going to start being more open, but then Miles just had to ruin the mood. As usual. Jesse was so obviously uncomfortable as he struggled to find the words and ultimately failed to get them out. Miles sat forward again, wringing his hands together. He knew Jesse wouldn’t talk about them, so why did he keep trying?

“I-I’m going to go inside. Having chills kind of sucks more when you’re out in the cold.” Miles headed for the door, about to leave his brother alone. He figured it was probably best to not share any more with Jesse and to try and fake getting better. Jesse reluctantly got to his feet, sighing before he called out his brother’s name.

“Miles!” He half-shouted, stopping his brother from pulling open the back door. He squeezed his eyes shut tightly, knowing this was going to be a lot harder for Miles than it was for him in the first place. The least he could do was say something. “Nobody knows how to deal with them,” he began with a sigh, finally catching his brother’s attention. “Everyone I’ve talked to just says they ignore them or they do what you’ve been doing. We’ve gone through double what they’ve been through, and I still have no idea what to do with them or how to forget them,” his voice trailed off and he heard Miles take a step closer. Jesse inhaled deeply before posing his next statement. “I’m here to listen to you though. Just, tell me what’s going on in your head. I won’t judge.” He promised, finally opening his eyes. He wondered if he had made a huge mistake. Miles stopped as his brother finally admitted that he didn’t know how to deal with the nightmares either. He took a deep breath, turning around to face Jesse. His brother looked so upset and he instantly felt bad for him. Miles nodded in response and sat down again. Jesse sat beside him and Miles looked at his feet, trying to think of a good place to start. He hadn’t intended to talk to Jesse about it, but Jesse had finally opened up to him about his nightmares, even if it was just a little bit. Miles owed him this.   


“I know we’ve both fought in the same wars, we’ve both had a lot of the same experiences. But it’s always been different for me. You have things you want to do, you have aspirations. I don’t have anything to look forward to anymore.” Miles laughed bitterly. “I had the life I wanted. I had a wife and son, and they were my whole life. But I won’t be able to have that anymore. Because of what we are, I’ll never get to have the life I always wanted.” He sighed, looking down at his hands. “My life doesn’t have a point anymore, so I just thought I should stop trying.” Jesse didn’t know what to say to that, but he now realized what he needed to do; Jesse needed to help Miles find his place, even if it was just something small. Miles needed to know his purpose, and Jesse was going to do everything in his power to make it happen.  



	7. Chapter 7

They sat in silence for a while, Miles trembling as the cool morning breeze rushed by. Jesse played with a loose thread on his worn out jeans, trying to think of what to say to his brother. If he couldn’t help Miles figure out his place in the world, Miles would just revert back to his old habits. He secretly hoped that Miles would be willing to talk to him more; even though they’d just shared their problems, he felt closer to his brother than he ever had before.

“I called my roommates in New York,” Jesse began, turning slightly to face his brother. “They didn’t answer, but I let them know that I’d be staying here. I just have to drive over there and get my stuff. Would you want to come with me? I know you haven’t seen the city since the 20s, and believe me, it’s nothing like it used to be.” Miles thought about his brothers offer.

“Actually, that’d be great.” Miles tried to smile at Jesse. “The less time I spend alone the better, y’know? If I were just left alone here, I’d probably relapse.” He stopped for a moment, examining Jesse’s expression. He seemed like he was waiting for something, but Miles couldn’t seem to figure out what it was. “Hey, um… Thanks. Honestly, I know it must have been hard for you to talk about the nightmares. We don’t have to talk about any of that shit anymore,” Miles offered. It would be hard, but he was going to focus on being more open with his brother and not bringing the conversation down constantly.

“C’mon, let’s find something for breakfast. You didn’t eat much yesterday, so you’re probably in need of something.” Jesse stood up, helping his brother to his feet. “Just because you  _ can  _ manage to live without food doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. Especially when you’re not doing so well in the first place.” He patted Miles on the back. It was weird, but when Miles seemed to be slipping from his place as the responsible brother, Jesse somehow managed to take his place. It was so unlike him, but Miles figured the whole balance of the family would be off until Miles managed to get back on his feet. The two brothers walked back into the house right as Angus finished making his morning coffee.

“Morning, boys.” He took a sip from his mug, setting a plate and newspaper down at the table. “Did you sleep well?”

“Neither of us slept, pa.” Jesse pushed himself up onto the kitchen counter, grabbing a box of cereal. “But I’m gonna take a quick nap and then head back to New York for the day. I just have to get some stuff so I can help out.” He shoved a handful of dry Cheerios into his mouth. “Miles is gonna come with me,” he mumbled through the cereal.

“Yep. But I’ll need to sleep for a bit too.” Miles looked in the fridge, pulling out a carton of eggs in order to make an omelette.

“Well, I’m just glad that you boys are finally getting along,” Angus smiled at them. “Just a shame that it had to take so much for you two to talk.” Miles took a seat at the table after finishing up making his breakfast. He took the first bite and had to restrain himself from shoving the rest of it into his mouth. After having lived off of nothing nutritional for months, the omelette was more satisfying than anything else he’d ever consumed. Jesse seemed to notice the positive change in Miles’ mood and hopped off the counter, setting the cereal box aside.

“I’m gonna take a nap now. We’ll leave about noon, okay? We’ll have to spend the night in the city, but that shouldn’t be a problem. My roommates get wasted on Friday nights and don’t come back until Sunday morning. We won’t even see them,” Jesse explained, making sure he and Miles were on the same page.

“Make sure to call us and give us updates once you get there,” Angus chimed in. “We still want to know how Miles is doing, even if you’re two states away.”

“Will do, pa.” Jesse stretched his arms. “I’ll see you in about six hours.” He walked off to his bed on the couch and immediately fell asleep. Miles finished his omelette and rubbed his eyes, looking at his father.

“How long do you think it’ll take? My recovery, that is…” He sighed, leaning back in his chair.

“Depends on how much energy you’re willing to put into recovery. I’m pretty sure it takes about a week to get it all completely out of your system, but after that you have to make your own way. That’s what we’re here for. It could take as little as a month, but if you keep slipping up, it could be a year before you’re finally adjusted.” Angus took a sip of his coffee. “For now, you just have to work through whatever it is that’s driving you to it. Keeping yourself occupied is good for that.. Why don’t you go sleep and we’ll see how you feel when you and Jesse get back from New York.”

“Alright. Thanks, pa.” Miles forced a smile as he made his way to the guest room. For once, his nightmares seemed to be less intense. They were still there, but Miles was relieved that they only caused him to wake up breathing heavily while stressed out. Normally, he’d be breaking down into tears, paranoid that he was still in the nightmare. Miles wrapped his arms around the pillow and sighed deeply, trying to go back to sleep. By that time, it was only 9 o’clock. He had a few more hours to sleep, and he was determined to use them.

“Psst, Miles… It’s noon,” Jesse whispered, shaking his brother lightly. Miles couldn’t remember going back to sleep, but he felt more well-rested than he had in a long while. Rubbing his eyes, Miles sat up. Jesse grinned, pulling his hoodie over his head. “Ready to go?”

“Can I use the bathroom and get some coffee first?” Miles muttered, throwing the covers back.

“Oh yeah, good idea. It’s a long drive.” Jesse nodded. Miles made his way to the bathroom, splashing cold water on his face once he reached the sink. He examined his reflection in the mirror and saw the corner of his mouth perk up into a halfhearted smile. He still looked worn out, but more like he’d just had a long day instead of living in a personal hell for months. The dark circles under his eyes were still there, but they’d noticeably faded. He could only hope that the craving for a drink that he still felt would go away. Using coffee as a replacement seemed to work the day before. He entered the kitchen, seeing his mother making them lunch for the drive. He poured himself a cup of coffee and leaned against the counter, watching Jesse grab multiple bags of chips for himself.

“Got enough food there?” Miles teased in a quiet voice. “You realize it’s only seven hours of driving, right?”

“I still have the body of a teenage boy, do you think I’m going to eat normally?” Jesse snorted. “Besides, we have the drive back here too that I’m prepping for.”

“Right, because you’re going to waste away to nothing if you don’t eat for a few hours,” he muttered sarcastically. Mae handed him a carefully packaged sandwich and he smiled genuinely at her for the first time in years. “Thank you, ma,” he responded.

“C’mon, let’s go already!” Jesse complained, grabbing his car keys off of the counter and stacking the bags of chips in his arms. Miles poured another cup of coffee for himself into a travel mug and followed his brother out the front door.

“Hey, Jes?” He asked quietly once they pulled out of their parents driveway. “Would you mind if we stopped by my apartment on the way? It’s just a little detour, but I’d like to try and pack my stuff too. Maybe clean the place up a little,” Miles explained, trying not to sound too attached to the idea. In all honesty, he just wanted to grab the few items he’d left there that he actually cared about. A few days earlier, he left in such a hurry that he forgot about Thomas’ teddy bear that sat on his bookshelf.

“Yeah, of course.” Jesse nodded. “We kind of left there quickly, so I understand. You had a life too, so you have to just tie up those loose ends.”

“Thanks. I just couldn’t leave it all behind.” Miles looked down at his lap, toying with the coffee cup.

“It’s not a big deal!” Jesse thought for a moment before turning the radio down. “Miles, what do you want to do with your life?”

“Do you think I’d be in this mess if I knew that?” Miles sighed.

“Well no, but I was just curious. Maybe I could help you figure out something that you’re passionate about. I know you’re not big on traveling, so we could find a path that just keeps you in one spot for as long as you can.” Jesse offered. Miles thought about it for a moment, then looked at his brother.

“Rose was a schoolteacher. I always wondered what that would be like.” Miles spoke up. “I remember loving the stories she came home with. And I was great with Thomas, so maybe I could try that out once this is all settled.” Jesse beamed, ecstatic that Miles seemed to be interested in something again.

“That sounds awesome! Honestly, I just want to help you find something that you like,” he admitted.

“Why are you so worried about me finding a purpose?” Miles looked at him, raising an eyebrow.

“Well… I feel guilty. I was the one who shut you out in the first place. We could have worked through our issues together, but I stopped talking to you after the fight. I owe you this much.” He shrugged, staring out at the road ahead.

“Jesse, you don't owe me anything,” Miles paused for a minute. “Look, I was the one who started the argument. I was the one who called you a stupid kid after we’d both gone through the same trauma. I should have known better than to treat you like a kid. You’re not just some childish person who can't take care of himself; you’re more mature than I am.” Miles noticed Jesse looking at him in confusion. “You are! A mature person wouldn’t have tried to drown his feelings in alcohol. You’re a bigger person, Jesse, and I was just being inconsiderate to talk to you like that.” Jesse just looked straight ahead again, thinking for a moment.

“That’s the first time you’ve ever acknowledged that I’m more than just a kid…” Jesse stated softly, as if the statement meant more to him than Miles could understand. Miles shifted in his seat, not sure how to continue the conversation. He sipped some of his coffee and turned to Jesse once more.

“You know, I don’t mean to treat you like you’re a child,” Miles said just as quietly as Jesse. “I just forget that you’ve been through everything that I have too. Every time I look at you, I just remember the brother I had who would climb any tree he could; the one who was the perfect playmate for my son.” He bit his lip, turning his gaze down to the coffee cup in his lap. “I guess part of me just wishes you were still that dorky teen, not the one who’s lost as much as I have.”

“Do you think you’re ever going to be happy again?” Jesse asked, clutching the steering wheel in his hands.

“Not completely. I think I’ll be content, but not actually happy,” he decided. “It’s hard to come back from this kind of thing. Remember how long it took for me to actually talk to you about what had happened with Rose and Thomas without breaking down?” Jesse nodded in understanding.

“I know. Remember when I came back from World War II?” He asked, reflecting on the moment he’d returned home after losing the one person who’d meant the most to him in his entire existence. “And you asked me how I was feeling when all I could do was cry because of Nick?” Miles sighed, remembering what had happened.

When Jesse had been drafted into World War II, he’d fallen head over heels for his bunkmate. Jesse and Nick were inseparable. To anyone else, it seemed like they were best friends, but they knew the truth. The two often talked about the lives they wanted when the war was over; Jesse was even considering asking Nick to drink from the spring when they returned. He’d never felt like that with anyone before. But then, Nick was injured on the battlefield. He was shot through his midsection, the bullet damaging vital organs. Jesse stayed with him until his last breath, trying to make him smile one last time. When he came home alone, Jesse felt the loss even more. Seeing his family just reminded him of the fact that he never got the chance to introduce them to his boyfriend. Miles came back from the war a little later and instantly knew something was up with his brother. After trying to calm his brother down, Miles uncovered the truth about why Jesse was so broken. Jesse had never reacted to losing someone like that, even when he found out that Winnie wasn’t going to be his partner in crime.

It was in that moment that Miles realized that Jesse understood what he was feeling. He set his mug of coffee aside and stared out the window as they reached Philadelphia. When they pulled into his apartment complex, Miles looked out at the sunset and looked at Jesse tenatively. Jesse noticed his expression and patted his arm, smiling encouragingly.

“Miles, it’s just an apartment. Once we get it fixed up, it’ll be like none of that had happened,” he pointed out as they walked up to Miles’ abandoned apartment. As they opened the door, they were assaulted by the stale scent that lingered inside. Miles wrinkled his nose in distaste as Jesse walked to the kitchen, grabbing garbage bags. “C’mon, let’s get started!”


	8. Chapter 8

The next few hours were spent cleaning Miles’ old apartment completely. The leftover bottles of alcohol were tempting to Miles, but he knew he couldn’t go back to that. Not after how much trust he and Jesse had put into one another. Miles went to his bedroom, which had been nearly unused in the past five months. If he slept at all, it was after he’d passed out on the couch. Miles found a dusty old suitcase in his closet and began to pack a few items of importance. Reaching for the hatbox that he’d kept for countless decades, he smiled once more, looking at the contents inside. Thomas’ pale yellow knitted blanket courtesy of Mae that was worn out with a few holes, the small silver wedding ring that he hadn’t worn in over a hundred years, and a small green bow. The bow had been left behind when Winnie left and Miles hadn’t found it until years later, but he couldn’t bring himself to throw it out, so he kept it with the other things from his past. Miles turned to his shelf, reaching for the tiny stuffed bear that had also belonged to his son. Packing it in the box as well, he began to pack a few necessities. Just some of his old clothes so he didn’t have to keep wearing the same ones.

“Do you want to call Ma and tell her that we’re almost done here?” Miles heard his brother call out from the living room. He walked out, suitcase in hand, and nodded. Jesse has actually done an amazing job of cleaning, which was something he could barely do for himself under normal circumstances. Miles shared a bedroom with him for his whole childhood and Jesse hadn’t put as much effort into their shared room in seventeen years as he had into the tiny apartment in the past three hours. Miles set his things down and walked to the kitchen, pulling the phone off of the wall. He dialed the familiar number and leaned against the wall as it rang.

“Hello?” Miles heard his mother’s voice over the phone and he instinctively smiled, despite the fact that she couldn’t see him.

“Hi, Ma. Jesse and I decided to stop and clean up my old place and we’re about to head out to New York in just a minute. Figured we should update you on why it was taking us so long,” he explained.

“Oh, great! Don’t worry about calling us when you get there, just make sure to let us know if you need anything at all.” Mae sounded infinitely more cheerful than the last time he’d called her on that phone.

“Alright, I’ll see you tomorrow. Bye, Ma,” Miles waited for her response before hanging up the phone. Jesse grabbed the garbage bags that had accumulated by the front door and they left the apartment like the five-year incident had never happened. After a quick stop at the dumpster outside the apartment complex, Miles and Jesse climbed into his car once more. Miles gave a quick, thankful smile to his brother.

“Wanna stop for something to eat?” Jesse asked as he started the car. Miles nodded in agreement, stretching his arms. They sat in a comfortable silence, the stereo playing softly while Jesse hummed along.

“Hey, uh… Thanks. For taking me here,” Miles said quietly. “I know I haven’t really been easy to get along with.”

“Are you going to keep being sappy?” Jesse teased, pulling into a fast food place. “Because I thought we were over the whole emotions thing.”

“I promise to not be emotional anymore,” Miles snorted, unbuckling his seatbelt. Jesse gave him a look, raising one eyebrow. “I promise to _try_ and not be emotional anymore.” They walked in together, getting something quick to eat. Miles was thankful that the burger place also had coffee, as he was starting to get another withdrawal headache. They eventually made it to Jesse’s apartment in New York by midnight, the two feeling more tired than they let on. Jesse walked into the small living room and slumped down onto the couch, looking up at Miles.

“You can take my room for the night, in case one of my roommates comes back tonight.” He flipped on the tv. Miles settled down beside him.

“Thanks. What did you usually do in the city?” He shrugged his jacket off.

“Well… Don’t tell Ma, because she’d force me to keep going, but I was training as a dancer,” Jesse mumbled, obviously embarrassed. Miles grinned, amused by the image of Jesse dancing professionally.

“Are you kidding? That’s awesome!” Miles nudged him. “Why are you embarrassed by that?”

“Because my roommates made fun of me for it.” Jesse sighed. “Not to mention a lot of other stuff…” Miles opened his mouth to respond, but they both heard someone else come in.

“Hey, anyone else home?” They heard a voice call out and Jesse groaned.

“Shit… It’s Travis,” Jesse muttered as a tall, blonde man walked into the room. He noticed Jesse and his nose wrinkled in distaste.

“I thought you weren’t coming back.” He crossed his arms, looking Jesse up and down.

“Yeah, uh, I just needed to get my stuff.” Jesse shrugged. Travis noticed Miles sitting on the couch and rolled his eyes condescendingly.

“Are you kidding? Can you get any more _gay_?” Jesse flinched as Travis continued. “First, you decide to become a dancer and now you bring guys home?” Miles stood up, glaring at him.

“First of all, I’m not his boyfriend; I’m his brother. But if I were, why would that be a problem?” He raised an eyebrow, feeling more protective of his brother. “Do you have something against being gay?” He walked closer to Travis, using his height to intimidate him.

“Well, I, uh… Um…” He rubbed his neck nervously before grabbing a jacket from the coat rack. “I’ll see you around, Jesse,” He muttered. They heard the front door close and Jesse turned to Miles, smiling at him.

“You made him look like such an asshole!” He laughed. Miles chuckled, patting his brother on the back.

“Hey, I didn’t make him out to be anything he wasn’t. How could you live in a house with that guy?” Miles sat down on the couch once more. Jesse shrugged, sitting beside him.

“It was cheaper than living by myself.” Jesse flipped off the tv. “I’m gonna get some sleep, okay? My room is the last one down the hall.” He grabbed a blanket from the back of the couch and wrapped it around himself. Miles went to Jesse’s room and noticed a small frame on the nightstand. He smiled a little, seeing a picture of the two of them from the 50’s. Obviously their mother had taken it and their forced smiles were anything but genuine, but the fact that Jesse still kept it and had it placed where it was clearly visible was sweet. Maybe Jesse wasn’t so annoyed by his brother like he normally let on. After all, they’d been best friends before, maybe they could get that back when Miles got his life back together.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After four months of abandonment, I felt that you guys deserved an ending to this, no matter how cheesy and short it may be. So, I whipped up a short little something to wrap it up. Let me know what you think about the story and maybe request anything Tuck Everlasting for me to write, whether or not you want a short one shot or a full blown fic, because I have inspiration again!

**A year later...**

“Yes, ma, I got the care package you sent.” Miles switched to resting the phone on his shoulder, worrying about the cord getting twisted up. “It’s been three days, I haven’t even unpacked all the way.” Miles looked behind him, seeing the stacks of boxes at one end of his new apartment in Maine. He’d moved out on his own after being dependent on his family for so long, it felt weird to not have his brother lounging lazily on the couch or his parents lightly teasing each other in the kitchen while they made dinner. Miles had spent the summer studying to become a teacher and had finally gotten hired at a small elementary school in a tiny town on the border of Maine and New Hampshire. It was so similar to Treegap that he couldn’t help feeling like something was missing, not having his family there by his side. But he needed to relearn how to be self-sufficient again. “Okay ma, I’ll open it and call you later. I love you too, send my best to pa,” Miles hung the phone up, looking at the small package in front of him. He opened it carefully, seeing Mae’s signature canary yellow stationery folded neatly. Moving the package to the side, he sat on the coffee table, unfolding the letter carefully.

  
The note was short and sweet; the only sentence on it reading “You’ll never know just how proud I am to have you for a son.” Miles’ mouth quirked up into a half smile as he turned to the package, pulling out a deep forest green sweater with a small gold star in one corner. Miles beamed, admiring Mae’s handiwork. A sweater from Mae was like a million dollar prize at the end of a game show. You had to have really earned it, and the reward was worth the journey. Miles pulled the sweater on over his head and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. He knew what the sweater was for. She was proud of him for pulling his life together and getting past the darkest, gloomiest rough patch he’d ever gone through. Miles only had one way to go, and pursuing the rest of his eternity of existing with a newfound purpose and take on life was definitely a huge step up. The worst moments of his existence were over and he couldn’t wait to see what would happen next.


End file.
